Saturday, March 22, 2014

Midnight thinking

It's 12:30 a.m., I can't sleep, my stomach is full and no it is not because I ate too much.  It is because of my dialysis fluid.  Sometimes I just wish I could go to sleep without having to hook up to a machine.  I try to think back to a time when I was not on dialysis but its such a distant memory that I don't know how it feels anymore.  I have been living like this for almost four years and I have become accustom.  Sometimes I wake up in the morning and just wish that it has all been a dream and that I don't have a tube coming out of my stomach,  but I wake up and open my eyes realizing that no, its not a dream.  It is ok though.  I am alive and well.  Yes, I might not be healthy per say but I am as healthy as I can be considering my circumstances.  I just got through moments where I wish I wasn't going through this.  Sometimes I just want to be "normal" and no worry about how much phosphorus I'm eating or trying to avoid potassium (which is in every delicious fruit) filled foods because my body just absorbs potassium quickly and doesn't really like to leave where it needs to.  When I say where it needs to I'm talking about the dialysis fluid.  The fluid is supposed to absorb potassium but my body would rather hold on to it.  Yes, it is a pain but luckily they have a medicine, however, that medicine is AWFUL!  Despite the pains at time I still appreciate every single day that the Lord has given me.  Everyday is a blessing and I am truly blessed.  Even though I have dietary restrictions.  What bothers me the most is not being able to eat which ever fruit and as much FRUIT as I want.

I look forward to the day I get to eat fruit.  I'm at the top of a transplant list.  I may be fortunate enough to get one this year.  I hope I do but there is a part of me that is terrified and would rather just stay on dialysis.  Of course a greater part of me wants to have a transplant so that I can have a 95% normal like as opposed to 85%.  I'm scared that things don't go well and I end up right back here, on peritoneal dialysis, or worse, on hemo-dialysis.  There are so many things that can happen.  I know I should worry, I know it is in God's hands.  I get it!  It's that the unknown is hard sometimes you know?  Despite my fears I still look forward to the day I get a call saying that I have a kidney waiting for me at UCSF (University of California San Francisco) Medical Hospital. 

When I started typing my stomach felt full and guess what now?  My stomach feels more full.  Haha... surprise, surprise, that's what is supposed to happen.  The dialysis fluid rests inside the peritoneal membrane and blood passes through.  The sure in the dialysis water absorb excess fluid from your body and toxins that my kidneys would otherwise clean out. 
I think I may have mentioned the above already.  I'm not sure and I don't want to click away and go look.  :)

Thank you for reading.  Hope you have and amazing blessed day.


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